"A day in the life" (Abridged version)

I don't want to be a weekend writer. I want to write every day about what I am seeing, learning, experiencing daily.

But my feelings are like an out-of-control rollercoaster car, careening wildly through the air, almost veering off its tracks. One day I am in bliss: buoyant that I am in my field, convinced that I will love my job with a passion, confident that I will be able to withstand the pressures and stresses that it entails, conjecture that I will indeed thrive under pressure! Then an experience or thought will strike me, and I am hit with a blow: I worry that I will turn out to be inept, that I will be terminated after one, two years, if not a mere six months into the job, I wonder if I have over-estimated myself.

And hence, it doesn't seem worth my while to write at all. What I feel one moment may be the polar opposite of what I feel the next. I will seem like a frenetic, confused, hyperventilating, schizophrenic with a case of multiple-personality disorder. And really, I dislike inconsistency.

I shall put some of my jumbled emotions down to the stressors that have been present in my life, some to the state of transition that is in my personal, as well as work life, and the residual down to hormonal imbalances.

And for now, I think I can say that some things have settled into a bit of a groove. For one thing, the entire Class is now in, and we're also now settling down into a slightly more regular schedule of classroom training. To my delight, I discovered today that I am seated next to one of my Top 5, and we will be sitting together for the next 4 weeks. A pleasant constant in my life for the interim period between now, and me joining my team (another disaster story that I want to avoid thinking about).

My weekday life will consist of a plodding, uninspiring, and yet soothing routine of homework, studying for the FSA exams, and getting my room into order. My weekends will be admin days: laundry and ironing to be done, planning for the week ahead, more room-transitioning, maybe some studying and revising.

I want to fit exercise into my daily routine. I want to find a way to fit various parts of my life into a compact time frame and still get enough rest and sleep. I want to obtain peace of mind. Think through more clearly my 5, 10-year plans for my personal life. Plans B,C,D,E... for my work and personal life, and work out the logistics of it. I think I'm being a little ambitious right now, and not really thinking clearly about implementation. I need to be super efficient to get everything right.

I didn't do all that I wanted to do today. But I feel happy with what I've done. I feel happy that now my new room is becoming a little bit more of my personal realm. I now have 5 posters, a newpaper article, and black-and-white print in my room. Every wall is covered with at least one item. I am creating and building up my own universe. I have a lovely double bed. Space to dr my clothes. Two tables to spread my things around. Decent wardrobe space. A place to put my shoes. A room with a view.

That's how I feel for now at least. I wanted to write in a more organised manner. But Mozilla blinked and shut down twice while I tried to write this. Also, I wanted to write more. Not just this one piece, but four or five small pieces. There are so many things I want to daydream about, muse upon. But there is that trade-off between having a fulfilling personal life (eg. writing) and getting rest (sleep). I have traded off some sleep for my personal life (I had wanted to sleep at 11 -- It is now past midnight.). So now I shall trade-off personal life (more writing) for sleep.

Good night, my world.